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Special to The Times Record by Gloria Smith
Lin Rodman never wanted to handle the grief over his son's accidental death all by himself. As the year 1995 was drawing to an end, his son had been on a hiking vacation with his wife. Each was just 30 years old, and each died as a result of being hit by a driver who had fallen asleep at the wheel.
Just before he had been notified of the horrible accident, Rodman, a Harpswell resident, had received a postcard from the couple and part of the message said "We're on the road from hell. I hope we make it."
Rodman told me recently that he grieved for four years before he could talk about these deaths in a meaningful way. After completing a grief support services course at Hospice Volunteers Center for Grief and Loss in Mid Coast Maine, he volunteered to lead a support group for grieving parents of adult children at the center at 45 Baribeau Drive in Brunswick. That was eight years ago, and the group has had a steady stream of participants over the years — and Lin Rodman had found his life's purpose.
As Rodman told the group he leads the first time they met: "I may not supply any answers but you certainly have questions, and between all of us we can figure what the answers might be."
He said the ensuing compassion and energy that enveloped the room was palpable. "People left with a different attitude, and their body language showed it."
November is Hospice Month
I had been invited to speak to Lin Rodman, a tennis professional and teacher, by Betsy Elder, director of Hospice Volunteers of Mid Coast Maine, to mark the official Hospice Month celebrated in November.
Rodman, who is taking a temporary leave as the support group's leader, was eager to talk about how vital a service it is to the grief-stricken. He gives credit to his parents for teaching him how to cope with adversity. But mainly, he says: "If you can get anyone to trust you, you are far ahead of the game." Thus, listening and listening attentively when group participants speak is the most important thing of all, according to Rodman. "We become connected," he says.
And you have to listen to your own voice, Rodman adds, because "if you don't deal with your grief, the hole in the heart gets wider all the time." Most people, he says, don't realize how much they need group therapy. He recalls the early days of his grieving when he would meet people who didn't know what to say to him, couldn't look him in the eye, and would do anything to avoid a confrontation. What he loves about the group he leads is that everyone stays focused on what participants say. "No one talks over the person who is speaking. They are all listening."
As Lin Rodman gets ready to visit the accident site — he says he finally can do it — he feels that the Grieving Parents support group has made him almost whole again.
"We need to have hope," he says. "You can't see it, touch it, feel it, but it's there for the asking."
His absence will be missed, Betsy Elder says, adding that Hospice Volunteers has arranged to have competent leaders to carry on until his return. Speaking of the value of this support group, Elder says that when people are grieving they "need people to witness (the sorrow) and to be present for each other."
Grieving Parents support group meets the first and third Wednesday of the month from 7 to 8:30 p.m. at the center. Adult Grief group meets the second and fourth Tuesdays, same time and place. There is also an anticipatory grief support group called "Living Loss, Living Hope" for individuals or families facing life-threatening illness. It meets the first and third Tuesday from 5 to 6 p.m. And lastly, "Transitions" offers grief support for children, teens, and families, on Monday nights from 6 to 7:15 p.m.
Hospice Volunteers: Center for Grief and Loss in Mid Coast Maine is located at 45 Baribeau Drive in Brunswick. It is advised that you phone them at 729-3602 or toll free at 1-888-486-0340 before you attend any support group.
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